Skip to content

The Sound Guy Neck Crane

May 14, 2009

 

One of my favorite authors, by far, is Jon Acuff, who writes at http://stufffchristianslike.blogspot.com/. He mixes humor with reality in the church.. this one nails it… trust me!

 

#507. The Sound Guy Neck Crane (Thurs March 12, 2009)

Microphones hate God. I can’t prove this scientifically, but I’m pretty sure it’s true. I think it’s because God doesn’t need them. When He speaks in the Bible, His voice is loud and carries naturally, or He uses angels and donkeys and burning bushes to amplify His message. So I imagine that microphones feel slighted and decided long ago to wage a very public hate campaign against the Alpha and Omega.

How else can you explain the shenanigans that occur on Sunday morning with the sound system? From microphones that work perfectly during sound check and then refuse to work during the service to that loud ear-bursting feedback that blossoms during the most inappropriate times, like prayer, sound systems are always punking church. And when they do, it’s so easy to pull out a “sound guy neck crane.”

The sound guy neck crane is the first thing we all do when the sound goes bananas in the middle of church. It’s a simple move, but I’ll walk you through the steps:

Step 1

Sound messes up.

Step 2

You quickly try to remember where the sound guy is stationed in the sanctuary.

Step 3

You crane your neck to his position and stare at him with eyes that say, “Do you not hear this? That microphone is on fire! Why do you want church to suck? Do you hate Jesus? That’s it, isn’t it? You hate Jesus. You sweaty Philistine.”

Step 4

Sound is restored. You turn back around and silently thank yourself for contributing to the rectification of the problem by pointing it out with your sound guy neck crane.

I’m just as guilty of this as anyone else. The only problem is that at the megachurch I attend, a staff of 29 people runs the sound on a Sunday morning, so my head has to bounce around like I’m watching a tennis match if I want to bust out a sound guy neck crane. “I see you in the balcony. You down at the sound booth. You up on the corner of the stage, I’m seeing you too, and I’m not happy.” Bounce, bounce, bounce, crane, crane, crane.

That’s part of the reason I’m going to retire my sound guy neck crane. It’s just too much work at my church. It’s also kind of a jerk thing to do. And by “kind of” I mean “really,” and by “jerk” I mean “words I can’t type without crazy *&# symbols.” From now on, when the sound messes up, I’m going to just side hug the person next to me and whisper politely, “Microphones hate God.” It will be awkward the first 2, 3, or 400 times, but people usually like side hugs, and it will put the blame where it belongs: on God-hatin’ sound equipment.

Advertisements
No comments yet

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: