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Bummer, the second

September 25, 2009

Looking at some more of the craziest messages ever heard by my rather enormous and bulbous ears.

Touch not the unclean thing! This one was a classic that, if people really listened to it, would have ruined marriages far and wide. You see, his whole point was, “Men, don’t touch the ladies.” He made a rather convincing logical, albeit unbiblical, argument as to how the ladies were, in fact, “the unclean thing.” Many of our sisters in Christ needed counseling after this one. Or ceremonial cleansing.

It is good for a man not to touch a woman! This one was hilarious with a capital H. Therefore, it was Hilarious. A fella’, who will remain nameless, began preaching on 1 Corinthians 7, trying to use the verse as a support for there to be no physical contact before marriage. Funny though, the guy was sort of winging it. So he read a little of the following context to the verse, and was publicly discovering that the verse didn’t in any way, shape or form refer to dating couples, but instead was talking about a false argument the Corinthians were wrestling with. So then he began to explain it really didn’t mean what he thought it meant, and that it wasn’t saying boys and girls shouldn’t kiss. This is what I like to refer to as, “self-destructing.” By the end of the message, the couples were all excited for chapel to end, so they could run suck face…. but of course not me, because I had listened to the touch not the unclean thing message intently.

Then there is this one. A disclaimer, I wasn’t there for it, I didn’t hear it, but I heard of it, and like it. This also falls into a different category, because the poor fella’ never got to preach. Here’s the situation. Just before he goes up to preach, he and his wife have an argument. He is still red around the neck, as he is introduced. He heads up to the pulpit, trying to compose himself. While turning on his wireless mic, he drops his Bible and his notes all over the floor. Now, had he missed the wireless button, the story wouldn’t be funny (or horrifying, depending on who you are). But because the wireless was on, much to the horror of the speaker, the speakers wife, and all in the congregation (except for the sick twisted types, like me) the entire congregation heard the speaker mutter clearly under his breath, “*#&@*!”. And the message was over.

All of this makes me thankful for the lack of disasters happening in my messages over the years. Now, of course, lack of disaster does not mean good. Fully aware of that, thanks. I just keep checking the internet for some guy who was here in seminary to blog about my penny message, or my Abraham message, or worse yet, the Esther one. Yup. I’ll end up on someone’s blog someday. I just hope I don’t take myself so seriously that I can’t laugh, and own up to laying the proverbial egg.

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